The question remains: If you’re a werewolf who wants to avoid the change and you take a jet that keeps flying west, always staying ahead of the full moon, will you succeed in stiflng your animal side?

There’s a metaphor buried in there somewhere. Address it at your own risk.

Back to business:

There are good werewolf movies and there’s “Blood and Chocolate.”

The humorless horror/romance/coming-of-age picture stars Agnes Bruckner as Vivian, a sullen, 19-year-old shape-shifter who takes the “Romeo and Juliet” stance of falling for someone not of her own kind.

Played by Hugh Dancy, he’s human, but, like her, he’s guilt-ridden, angst-laden and a rebel.

Like her clan members, he’s also scruffy.

Coincidentally, or, if you prefer, ironically, he’s visiting Bucharest to research a graphic novel about decent, misunderstood werewolves.

Which describes Vivian’s family to a teeth, er, “T.”

Short version (my entire review is posted on insidebayarea.com/movies): Viv is promised to the clan leader (Olivier Martinez), who takes a new mate every seven years.

It’s prophecied somewhere on the cutting-room floor that Vivian’s the next.

But the kid only wants to run fast and run free through the woods and streets of Bucharest, and up and down the sides of buildings - which no one seems to notice.

Based on a young-adult novel, “Blood and Chocolate” is parts after-school special, “Underworld,” “Blood Ties,” Shakespeare, “An American Werewolf in Paris” and the kitchen sink.

It tries to be all things to all teens.

As such, it’s a mess but a fascinating mess, like a train crash in slo-mo against a Hallmark Card landscape.

The bad acting melds well with the campy dialogue.

After the change - painless, by the way, and with special effects that amount to flashes of light _ the shape-shifters shift into real wolves rather than heavily made-up or computer-generated ones.

It’s nothing like the real thing.

The “…and Chocolate” has to do with Viv working in a chocolate shop, and Viv’s aunt warning her that neither blood nor chocolate is any good.

As if.

The aunt doesn’t go into detail.

Just as well; she’s already destroyed the movie’s credibility.

Did I mention that the werewolves secretly protect the town by ridding its streets of drug-dealing swill - and without leaving any table scraps?

Johnny Depp loves “The Wizard of Oz.”

Jennifer Aniston and Nicole Kidman were swayed by “Terms of Endearment,” Jennifer Lopez by “West Side Story.”

Vin Diesel fell for “Gone With the Wind,” which he calls the “ultimate action movie.”

It’s all in the book “You Gotta See This: More Than 100 of Hollywood’s Best Reveal and Discuss Their Favorite Films.”

Author is Cindy Pearlman.

Publisher is Plume, price $15.

In one- and two-page entries, each celeb mentions his favorite film, says why it’s his, or her, favorite, and discusses the plot.

Naveen Andrews cites “The Last Temptation of Christ.”

J-Lo opts for “West Side Story.”

And George Clooney?

Mr. Charisma’s favorites - he lists two _ are “Dr. Strangelove or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Bomb” and “Fail-Safe.”

Clooney says both “are brilliant films that say a lot about the world. … Lumet made one and Kubrick made the other. One is hysterically funny and the other is terrifying.

“Both films are pro-American. … These movies remind us that we need to always speak out. They say that it’s not just your right but your duty to ask questions.

“Can I add ‘Harold & Maude,’ too?”

Smart people do stupid things in bad slasher films.

In “The Hitcher,” stupid people do stupid things.

Which is too bad because the film starts as a promising revamp of the Rutger Hauer-C.Thomas Howell original.

Sadly, it only stays promising for about a half-hour.

Or less.

More “Duel” wannabe than remake of the mega-violent ‘86 version, the movie sets a likable female college student with a perfect figure and a penchant for skimpy clothes on a road trip with her equally likable but atypically scruffy-looking boyfriend.

Sophia Bush and Zarchary Knighton play the couple.

The two pick up a creepy guy played by Sean Bean when his car breaks down on a dark and stormy night in New Mexico - site of all things heinous in horror films.

No one in his right mind would give this guy a ride.

Which gives you a tip-off about what’s to come.

He pulls a knife, they fight back, she doesn’t shriek - a rarity in the genre.

Then boy and girl make one lamebrain decision after another as supporting players get sliced and diced.

And boy and girl become prime suspects by lame cops who revel in poor decision-making.

And a ho and a hum.

The film delivers a couple of strong adrenalin rushes and one big eyuu moment.

Knighton’s not bad at delivering the requisite short sentences that explain his leaving his girlfriend alone while get traipses into a long dark night in the middle of nowhere to find a phone.

For a rising young actress, Bush is good-looking.

Bean does the intense psychotic business expected of him, but nothing else.

You never get a clue as to why his character:

- likes to slice and dice (bad cooking experience?)l

- keeps hunting and tormenting the kids (bad college experience?)

- manages to destroy a gazillion cops simply by being bad (strong mojo?)

And the movie grows dumber as it plows along.

Deadline for Oscar nominations was last Saturday.

The Golden Globes were Monday.

Thus, the Globes will have no influence over the nominations - which will be announced Tuesday.

If, then, therefore …

Based on gossip, buzz, rumor, likelilhood, wishful thinking and awards already given:

Shooins for nominations are:

For best actor: Forest Whitaker for “The Last King of Scotland,” with Peter O’Toole and Leonardo DiCaprio likely for, respectively, “Venus” and “The Departed.”

Best actress: Helen Mirren, the early Oscar favorite, for “The Queen”; likely: Judi Dench for “Notes on a Scandal,” Kate Winslet for “Little Children,” Penelope Cruz for “Volver.”

The Meryl Streep factor: She’s terrific in “The Devil Wears Prada” but no one knows if she will be nominated as best actress or best supporting actress.

Her screen time should put her in the supporting category.

Best supporting actress: Jennifer Hudson wins the Oscar for “Dreamgirls” if the voting’s held today.

Since it’s not, she will probably run against Adriana Barraza and Rinko Kikuchi, who will cancel each other out for “Babel.”

Deserving maybe: Cate Blanchett for “Notes on a Scandal.”

Wishful-thinking choice: Abigail Breslin, the little girl in “Little Miss Sunshine.”

Best supporting actor: Held today, the Academy gives the gold to Eddie Murphy for “Dreamgirls.”

He’s been around, he’s liked, the casting’s perfect, the performance, too.

Since voting’s not today, he will go against Jack Nicholson and possibly Mark Wahlberg for “The Departed.”

Deserving maybe: Jackie Earle Haley for “Little Children.”

Best director: Martin Scorsese is in for “The Departed.” Like Mirren, Whitaker and Hudson, that’s a sure thing.

Likely: Stephen Frears for “The Queen” and Alejandro Gonzalez Inarritu for “Babel.”

Deserving maybe: Guillermo del Toro for “Pan’s Labyrinth.”

Best picture: “Dreamgirls” and “The Departed” are in, and are the front-runners for the gold.

“Babel” is a close third.

Deserving maybe: “The Queen.”

We’ll see on Tuesday.

People told me, never buy a boat because boats are money pits.

Like children.

So I bought a house.

And it’s a money pit.

Like what you see in the 1986 Tom Hanks-Shelley Long comedy “The Money Pit.”

Except without a crumbling floor.

I hope.

The house was built about the same time Rome began to fall.

The walls are made of parchment.

The old roof was of palm fronds.

That was the first repair: Shingles for fronds.

Imperative when the garage tried to float away many storms ago.

Since then, the litany includes: New water heater; new wall heater; new bathroom.

Partial rug replacement.

The bathroom contractor screwed up the hook-up between the toilet and the water pipe.

It blew. I blew.

The water flooded the hallway and parts of the bedroom and living room.

Moses is never around when you need him.

Now it’s the toilet again.

The chain broke off the flapper.

I spent the weekend sticking my arm in the tank of ice water to lift the flapper by hand.

I tried to repair it myself.

Went to the hardware store, picked out two rubber flappers (different sizes; the salesman knew as much as I did, which is zip).

Got home, went through a repair book, tried to remove the old flapper.

It wouldn’t.

I couldn’t.

It was attached to the white tube thing - which I call, “the white tube thing” - by horizontal posts with flat ends that don’t come off.

Unless you break them.

I didn’t, but the guy repairing and repainting my eaves, an all-around handyman, did.

Accidentally. He couldn’t get the flapper off, either.

Until he broke the white tube.

He thought he fixed things without having to replace the unit.

I thought I was home dry.

But I’m still having to stick my arm in ice water to flush while I wait for him to show up with “a new unit” - whatever that means.

I know I’m not alone in this, having heard similar bad-flapper stories from friends.

So, assuming we’re merely the tip of the white tube, and this is a universal problem, how come we don’t see it in movies.

Almost the entire house had to be rebuilt in “The Money Pit” and its precursor, “Mr. Blandings Builds His Dream House.”

But toilet problems? Nope.

One friend’s toilet began to boil when it was installed, and she abdicated the throne until it was fixed.

Do you see that sort of thing in “Mission Impossible III”?

Never.

It would have been a lot funnier if Tom Cruise’s assignment was to fix the toilet.

America Ferrera wasn’t pretty when I interviewed her for “Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants.”

She was gorgeous.

And, if not slender, close to it.

The other night, when she won a Golden Globe for “Ugly Betty,” she was as effusive, natural and appealing as when I talked to her.

As in “Real Women Have Curves,” the 2002 film that put her on the map, America had put on several pounds - no doubt intentionally, to make her a better match with her ungainly title character.

Still gorgeous, though.

Inside and out.

And, yeah, I have a crush.

It’s easy.

The following are generalizations, and as Lord Acton once said, “All generalizations are dangerous, even this one.”

Keep that in mind before flinging aspersions.

Women go to films like “Beaches” for the emotional release: the catharsis.

Men avoid films like “Beaches” because they’re slow-moving, agonizingly sappy, silly, and lack car chases.

In praise of car chases and explosions:

It’s been a bad day. The sky fell, the peanut butter was stale.

They were out of Diet Pepsi at the office.

Everyone who called had a nit to pick.

That’s when (and why) men burrow in with a good Bruce Willis flick - like “Die Hard,” “Mercury Rising,” “The Hostage” or the bad-mood classic, “The Last Boy Scout.”

They’re all about violence, about kicking the bad guys to kingdom come.

Or blowing them to smithereens.

Men are not picky about violence when they are in a bad mood.

We just want an outlet for our rage.

We want to watch Bruce Willis - and others - act out our anger for us.

And survive.

We know it is not socially acceptable to hit, kick, punch or blow up the source of our exasperation.

Except in war.

We are civilized, to a point.

Still, we know it would feel damn good to pummel - until the cops came, the guilt and recriminations hit, and the cell door slammed shut.

“Nobody knows the trouble I’ve seen.”

Play that harmonica, Bruce.

Play it for me.

Play it for all of us.

Watched “Mercury Rising” again this week. Bruce helps an autistic kid who’s the only witness to his parents’ murders.

It’s got more of a plot than most of his films, and less violence.

But this Willis two-fer gives the mind a little to chew on as the emotions wind down.

(Full disclosure: I wasn’t in a bad mood; I just like this film.)

Plus, I had already worked out my angst - movie violence can cancel angst; pass it on - by watching a former Marine played by wrestler John Cena thump bad guys who kidnap his wife in “The Marine.”

John Cena is a poor man’s Dolph Lundgren.

The DVD comes out on Jan. 30. It has no redeeming social value - other than providing a catharsis for males in need of just such a thing.

You know who you are.

The best thing about “The Breakup,” the not-very-good Jennifer Anistan-Vince Vaughn relationship movie, was the line by Anistan’s character:

“I don’t want you to do the dishes, I want you to want to do the dishes.”

Or maybe it was dry the dishes; you get the idea.

There are problems in paradise.

Other lines leading up to “we have to talk”:

“I shouldn’t have to tell you; you should know.” Usually with tears, but not always.

“Just because I said that doesn’t mean I meant it.” Usually with righteous indignation.

“Yes, I promised, but it was just a reflection of what I was feeling at the time.” Usually expressed without direct eye contact.

Classic breakup lines:

“It’s not you, it’s me.”

“You deserve someone better.”

“I just need some time to find out what I want.”

“I need some time to experiment and find out who I am.”

And not-so-classic classics:

“I’ve been thinking it over and I decided it’s not me, it’s not us, it’s you.”

“I was drunk.”

“I was hypnotized.”

“My leave is up and they’re sending me back to Korea, er, the Gulf, I mean, Iran. Yeah, that’s it, Iran. No, wait a minute… .”

“I like the 49ers, you like the Raiders, it will never work.”

“You’re crazy as a loon.”

“Sorry, I just can’t get used to sleeping with a republican.”

“It was a soft, teasing, tasting kiss, as if she were sampling the juice from a plum before buying the lot.” - Mickey Spillane in “The Snake” (1964).

Now that’s writing, potboiler style.

One more.

“I kicked the door shut and she flowed into my arms, her mouth a wild little volcano trying to pull me into its core.” - from Spillane’s “The Body Lovers” (1967).

Spillane died in July 2006 at 88. He looked the part of his tough-guy heroes.

Here’s a typical sentence, from 1952’s “Kiss Me Deadly” - the title continues the theme, sort of - which was made into a taut noir film of the same name:

“It was Monday again, a rainy, dreary Monday that was a huge wet muffler draped over the land. I watched it through the window and felt the taste of it in my mouth.”

Don’t we all.

Using a system known only to them, Us Weekly, Hershey’s Kisses and various movie venues came up with the “top 10 best kisses in film.”

Here’s their list, with my thoughts:

1. Clark Gable and Vivien Leigh in “Gone With the Wind.”

The safe pick.

2. Omar Sharif and Julie Christie in “Doctor Zhivago.”

Among the most romantic.

3. Humphrey Bogart and Ingrid Bergman at the end of “Casablanca.”

Play it again.

4. Humphrey Bogart and Audrey Hepburn in “Sabrina.”

Don’t recall it.

5. Rock Hudson and Doris Day in “Pillow Talk.”

Whatever.

6. Molly Ringwald and Michael Schoeffling in “Sixteen Candles.”

Michael who?

7. Elizabeth Taylor and Montgomery Clift in “A Place in the Sun.”

I can live with that.

8. Molly Ringwald and Judd Nelson in “The Breakfast Club.”

One of my favorites - the film, not necessarily the kiss, although it is OK.

9. Gene Kelly and Debbie Ryenolds in “Singin’ in the Rain.”

A perfect movie, a just-right kiss.

10. Winona Ryder and Ethan Hawke in “Reality Bites.”

There are better choices.

Among them:

- Leonardo DiCaprio and Kate Winslet in “Titanic.”

- Jean-Louis Trintignant and Anouk Aimee in “A Man and a Woman.”

- Demi Moore and Patrick Swayze in “Ghost.”

- John Cusack and Ione Skye in “Say Anything.”

And for fun:

- Kirsten Dunst and Tobey Maguire in “Spider-Man.”

- Antonio Banderas and Catherine Zeta-Jones in “The Mask of Zorro.”

_ Paul Reubens and Valeria Golino in “Big Top Pee-Wee.”

And, of course:

_ Lady and Tramp in “Lady and the Tramp.”