Ah, what wicked webs we weave

It only seems like every villain in the world gets screen time in “Spider-Man 3.” The weakest film in the trilogy juggles the New Goblin, Venom, Sandman, black alien goo and Spider-Man’s dark side, and it drops the balls.

Out of uniform as Peter Parker, dark Spidey even smacks sweet Mary Jane; granted, her singing’s less than stellar, and the hit is accidental, but you can bet it still smarts – in the audience’s memory from that moment on. The disappointing sequel evolves into a cacophony of visual effects, angst, romance, spite, confusion, humor rage and rejection. Ouch.

Ardent fans won’t be bothered. Tobey Maguire, Kirsten Dunst and James Franco wear their parts like second skins. Newcomer Topher Grace acts a little stiff as Venom. But Thomas Haden Church, with an assist from the film’s best effects sequences, takes to his role as Sandman so well fans – myself included – will want to see him return in the next “Spider-Man.”

A scene with Peter (Maguire) and Mary Jane cavorting under the stars on a huge, web-like hammock, is another highlight. And ooh, the goo is cool.

Extras: An entertaining bloopers short designed with care; an “I loved when you did that” commentary by director Sam Raimi and the ensemble; a producers’ commentary that mentions so many names you’ll probably switch it off, like I did.

The film is also available as a two-disc set.

Let’s talk

Don Cheadle delivers a poignant portrait of a charismatic ex-convict who becomes a popular Washington, D.C., radio talk-show host in the ’60s and ’70s because of his tell-it-like-it-is riffs on race and politics.

Based on the true story of Petey Greene, “the voice of the people,” “Talk to Me” emphasizes Petey’s prickly but loving friendship with Dewey Hughes (Chiwetel Ejiofor), his clean-cut and ambitious station director. The chemistry between the two is excellent; the slow-growing rift from Dewey’s pushing a reluctant Petey into the bigtime, is packed with unsettling undercurrents.

Director Kasi Lemmons creates a volatile mix of humor and drama. The scenes pegging to the assassination of Martin Luther King Jr. are particularly potent.

The background soul music sizzles. The wide lapels and big ties make you wonder about the period’s fashionistas. Taraji P. Henson rates an A for her portrayal of Petey’s brash, supportive girlfriend.

Extras: One of the deleted scenes contains a speech by Martin Sheen as the station owner that, though giving him a chance to emote, runs way over the top. A making-of short explores the fashion, music and design. A “Who Is Petey Green?” piece talks about capturing the character on film, but strangely doesn’t show the real Petey.

Sing it to me

Marc Anthony is all about sex appeal when he performs onstage as Hector Lavoe in “El Cantante.” He’s electric. Offstage as the Puerto Rican salsa legend, he turns down the wattage – while building his career, snorting coke, shooting heroine, and bickering with or romancing his feisty wife Puchi (Jennifer Lopez).

The music’s hot, the screenplay’s not as it covers the Hector-Puchi story from 1963 to 2002.

Much of movie plays flat, like a paint-by-numbers picture of a drug-addicted, brooding star. Think “Ray” with less fire. J-Lo adds spice, doing her best with the thin dialogue. Puchi’s narrative, shot in a mood-enhancing black and white, punctuates the biopic, which is told in long flashbacks.

From a voyeuristic perspective, it’s fun watching the real-life Mr. and Mrs. go at it as the on-screen couple – and wondering what they might have brought to the parts from their marriage.

Extras: Understated here’s-what-you’re-seeing-and-hearing commentary by director/co-writer Leon Ichaso; commentary laced with character factoids by writers David Darmstaedter and Todd Anthony Bellow; making-the-music short; one deleted scene.

More pie, please

On 10 discs, “Twin Peaks: The Definitive Gold Box Edition” includes the original pilot plus the entire first and second seasons (29 episodes) of the surreal David Lynch-Mark Frost combo small-town murder mystery, soaper and melodrama.

Among the ingredients in the early ‘90s show: a dead homecoming queen (Sheryl Lee); a cherry pie-loving FBI agent (Kyle MacLachlan); an oversexed local (Sherilyn Fenn, the crush of many lusty lads); the Log Lady (Catherine E. Coulson, whose character carries a log); many other odd Twin Peaks denizens.

Extras: Full-length story-origins documentary; interactive map of the town; a look back with Lynch in conversation with cast members MacLachlan, Madchen Amick and John Wentworth; MacLachlan’s “Saturday Night Live” “Twin Peaks” sketch; deleted scenes, promos and such.

Also new on DVD

“Barry Cooper’s Never Get Busted Again, Vol. 1: Traffic Stops”: Ex-Texas lawman gives tips to help you avoid arrest for non-violent crimes.

“Captivity”: A top model (Elisha Cuthbert of “24”) is kidnapped and tortured. The message: Never leave home.

“The Cinerama of Peter Watkins”: “Punishment Park,” “The Gladiators,” Edvard Munch,” “The War Game” and “Culloden” on five discs.

“Day Watch”: Second film in Russian sci-fi/horror trilogy (following “Night Watch”) about an ongoing war between forces of Light and Darkness in contemporary Russia.

“The Devil Came on Horseback”: Documentary about the genocide in Darfur seen through the eyes of a former Marine captain.

“Edvard Munch: Special Edition 2-DVD Set”: Watkins’ look at the artist includes three documentaries.

“The Freethinker”: Watkins’ take on Swedish dramatist August Strindberg.

“The Initiation of Sarah”: Twins pledge different sororities; the innocent joins the house of spooky women with attitude and perfect teeth; the shaky one with powers joins the house of nice. Jennifer Tilly represents good, Morgan Fairchild evil. It’s not awful.

“Knuffle Bunny…And More Great Childhood Adventure Stories”: Includes a read-along feature.

“License to Wed”: Minister Robin Williams makes engaged couple (Mandy Moore and John Krasinski) take a series of tests before he’ll OK their marriage in this so-so comedy.

“Pierrepoint – The Last Hangman”: Period thriller with Timothy Spall as prolific British executioner Albert Pierrepoint _ grocery deliveryman and master hangman _ who resigned his post in 1956. With Juliet Stevens as his wife.

“Safe Harbour”: More family tragedy, romance and betrayal from Danielle Steel.

“Treasure of 100 Storybook Classics”: Includes “Where the Wild Things Are,” “Harold and the Purple Crayon.”

TV on DVD

“The Amazing Mrs. Pritchard”; “CSI: Miami – The Fifth Season”; “Everybody Loves Raymond: Complete Collection”; “Monarchy with David Starkey, Set 2”; “My So-Called Life: The Complete Series”; “October Road: The Complete First Season”; “Retire Smart, Retire Happy”; “Scrubs: The Complete Sixth Season”; “Spike Jones: The Legend” (‘50s TV shows with the comic bandleader and his City Slickers).

Coming attractions:

Nov. 6: “Ratatouille”
Nov.13: “Shrek The Third”

NEW THIS WEEK ON DVD….

“Mr. Brooks” will slay you

Kevin Costner creates a serial killer you find yourself rooting for as the title character in “Mr. Brooks.” Brooks is a loving family man, successful in business and a pillar of the community. He’s just got this one little problem: He’s addicted to murder. Egged on by Mr. Smith (William Hurt), the nagging alter ego only he can see and hear, Mr. Brooks gives in to his bad side and, after a two-year absence, resurrects his second identity as the deadly “Thumbprint Killer.”

The fun of this loopy psychological thriller is the entertaining banter between Brooks, who claims he wants to live a normal life, and Smith, who urges him to be bad. Complications include a photographer who captures Brooks committing a murder and wants to come along on a kill, and Brooks’ daughter, who comes home because of a mysterious problem at school in Stanford.

It all holds together well – except for an asinine plot line with Demi Moore as a multimillionaire homicide cop being sued by her boy-toy ex-hubby while pursuing a another killer, this one recently escaped from prison.

Extras: On the commentary: After Costner signed on, he called Hurt directly to get him on board; Ashton Kutcher sold Moore on her part. Also: deleted scenes include a snippet explaining the genesis of Smith; making-of short; piece on creating the story.

A feel-good zombie film

Billy Connolly’s portrayal of Fido, a zombie who acts as housekeeper for a suburban couple and companion to their lonely son Timmy (K’Sun Ray), keeps “Fido” on target as a witty spoof that puts the gore on the back burner. It briefly shifts into bloodbath mode near the end, creating a drastic change in tone that’s annoying but doesn’t spoil the fun. Also, the coda is satisfying.

The film is almost all post-apocalyptic whimsy. After a zombie war, the undead are tamed by electronic collars that let them work as servants and menial labor. A colorful brew of 1950s Americana, “Lassie” and “Dawn of the Dead,” the story centers around Timmy’s friendship with Fido and his parents’ (Carrie-Ann Moss and Dylan Baker) problems. Dad comes home from work indifferent. Mom drinks to cope with Dad’s distance. Enter Fido, to teach compassion to Timmy and his mom and give Mom an alternative to Dad. So what if Fido’s dead? Nobody’s perfect.

Extras: A making-of short; the film in storybook version (best extra); bloopers of actors breaking character; deleted scenes with commentary that adds little.

Attaboy, Indie

In the early ‘90s, George Lucas created the first digitally produced series, “The Adventures of Young Indiana Jones,” and it’s still a doozy. Entertaining for kids and adults, the show earned 11 Emmys with its lively back story for Harrison Ford’s appealing hero. Corey Carrier plays Indie at 9, Sean Patrick Flanery is Indie as a teen. This first volume contains seven episodes; those with Flanery work best.

Shot in 35 countries, the episodes are vibrant – though some night shots look murky – and more personable than the “Star Wars” prequels. Thomas Edison, Pancho Villa, T.E. Lawrence, Teddy Roosevelt, Leo Tolstoy and Winston Churchill are just some of the historical characters Indie gets involved with.

Among the directors in this, the first of three volumes, are Mike Newell, Frank Darabont and Terry Jones.

The opener introduces the eager boy to adventure in Egypt, where he sees King Tut’s tomb and meets a murderer - who returns a few discs later when Indie’s a teen.

Extras: The 38 – count `em – documentaries have appeal for all ages. They explore the various historical icons in the context of their times, with archival and newsreel footage, and interviews with subjects such as Martin Scorsese, Gloria Barbara Boxer and Deepak Chopra. A piece on inventing and innovating is inspiring.

Computer-animated antics

A brainy, optimistic young orphan named Lewis invents a time machine to find his mother at the start of “Meet the Robinson.” After it’s stolen by a tall man with a bowler hat, another boy shows up and flies Lewis into the future to hang with his appealingly eccentric family, the Robinsons. Lewis also meets hip-hop-singing frogs and an amusing dinosaur and tries to save the world. The computer animation is bright, the story ultimately sweet, the action mega-frenetic; you’ll either get with the zaniness or reach for an Excedrin.

Extras: Documentary about inventors and visionaries such as Walt Disney; game where players help Lewis improve his invention in time to save his family; making-of short; deleted scenes; commentary; music videos.

Also out on DVD

“Alive Day Memories: Home from Iraq”: James Gandolfini interviews 10 injured Iraq war veterans about their disabilities, future and love of the U.S.

“Buried Alive”: Sadistic spirit hunts vacationing college students; with Tobin Bell.

“Care Bears: Oopsy Does It!”: Introduces bilingual Amigo Bear.

“Cutting Class: Unrated”: A troubled teen played by a very young Brad Pitt may be the serial killer terrorizing high school students.

“Home of the Brave”: Four U.S. soldiers fight in Iraq, then try to fit in back home; with Samuel L. Jackson and Jessica Biel.

“Nearing Grace”: Coming-of-age story about a grieving, hormonally driven teen (Gregory Smith) and the seductive title character (Jordana Brewster).

“Saw III: Director’s Cut”: More torture and perversity unleashed; on two discs.

“The Tripper – The `Impeachable’ Unrated Version”: Slasher parody about hippies stalked by a psychopath who resembles Ronald Reagan; with Thomas Jane.

TV on DVD

“American Gangster: The Complete First Season”; “Clive Cussler’s The Sea Hunters, Set 1”; “The Christmas Card”; “A Christmas Memory”; “The L Word: The Complete Fourth Season”; “Mind of Mencia: Season 3 Uncensored”; “NCIS: The Fourth Season”; “Play With Me Sesame: Playtime With Grover”; “Route 66: Season One, Volume One”; “The Ruth Rendell Mysteries, Set 2”; “The Sopranos: Season 6, Part II”; “Veronica Mars – The Complete Third Season.”

Coming Attractions
Oct. 30: “Spider-Man 3,” “Talk to Me,” “El Cantante”
Nov. 6: “Ratatouille”

New this week on DVD

Steve Carell plays a modern-day Noah in “Evan Almighty,” the misunderstood sequel to “Bruce Almighty.”

Unlike its predecessor – where Jim Carrey takes over for God (Morgan Freeman) – “Evan” is sweet, low-key and apparently targets younger audiences.
Many dismissed the comedy as bland (it is) and its star as not funny enough (he’s OK). That’s what comes from expecting the over-the-top, PG-13-rated antics of “Bruce.”

The PG-rated “Evan” focuses on family and animals, with a clichéd save-the-land scheme serving as linchpin. Carell reprises his role as newscaster Evan Baxter. Here, he’s recently been elected to Congress and is off to Washington, D.C., with his wife (Lauren Graham) and their three young sons – who want day to spend more time with them.

When God (Freeman again) tells Evan to build an ark, his beard grows, animals appear in twos and platitudes ensue. Kids will enjoy the critters. Watching them work with Carell and sons is fun. If you’re looking for safe family viewing, this is it.

Extras: The two involving working with the huge array of animals are the most entertaining. A deleted scene of Wanda Sykes riffing is a treat. The “Animal Roundup Game” targets preschoolers and kindergarteners. Also: making-of shorts, so-so “outtakes,” amusing “Steve Carell Unscripted” bloopers; tips on helping the environment.

Run, zombies, run

“28 Days Later” introduced fast zombies; in previous zombie movies, they moved so slowly you could tease them – unless they ganged up on you. Like its superior predecessor,“28 Weeks Later,” out this week, features the fast-moving kind and a lot of hand-held camerawork, but more gore, blood, angst and screaming. In other words, it’s ideal for Halloween.

More fragmented than “Days” and more self-important, the sequel is still bloody intense. It reprises enough to explain the origin of the virus that turned people into you know what. It briefly covers its elimination and control – aided by fences and assigned housing for survivors such as Robert Carlisle, guilt-ridden from shutting the door on his wife when zombies attacked.

When the virus returns, the audience experiences close-up the stages of a normal man changing into crazed, brain-chomping zombie. (It’s gross.) The crass military and displaced kids also get their due in the frenetic film.

Extras: A tasty bunch includes zombie choreography; deleted scenes; making-of and behind-the-scenes shorts; filmmakers’ commentary.

Zombie sheep

Created on a budget of about a buck and a half, “Black Sheep” is a whimsical New Zealand spoof of the zombie genre. Gory, dark and witty, the story’s set in the countryside, where the more demented of two brothers, a businessman/scientist, experiments on sheep. His younger brother – the good sheep, so to speak – returns to face his fear of mutton (not kidding) and deal the family estate.

Two hippie environmentalists, one named Experience (she’s blonde and adaptable), accidentally release ingredients that infect the sheep - and this time when they say “Bahhhh,” they back it up. Though slow in spots, the film will be great fun for the appropriate audience. (You know who you are.)

Extras: Light filmmakers’ commentary; so-so blooper reel; deleted scenes; making-of featurette; moderately amusing scene shot just for DVD.

Won’t stay dead

“Night of the Living Dead 3-D” is an update of the George Romero original, and while the acting’s better than average, the writing’s pretty poor. The package includes four pairs of cardboard 3-D glasses, and the effects vary from cool to difficult to decipher.

At a cemetery, a brother and sister are attacked by slow-moving undead. She’s rescued by a college student who takes her to a remote house whose inhabitants raise pot – allowing the director (Jeff Broadstreet) to use the 3-D medium by having a character offer a joint into the camera. Zombie arms waving through windows also capture the magic, as do some landscape shots. For aficionados of the genre who enjoy 3-D.

Extras: Detailed explanations about creating and using the hand-held 3-D cameras; a Q-and-A with actor Sid Haig (“The Devil’s Rejects”) and the filmmakers; some funny bloopers; commentary.

Also on DVD

“`American Movie Musicals’ Collection – Volume 2”: “A Chorus Line”; “De-Lovely”; “Hair.”

“Emmanuelle: Special Edition”: French erotic classic about diplomat’s wife (Sylvia Kristel) in Bankok, encouraged by her husband to be more open sexually, have extramarital affairs and study with a sex guru.

“Holla”: Someone’s trying to kill Monica St. John and her six friends during a weekend at a remote mountain cabin.

“Homie Spumoni”: Donald Faison (“Scrubs”) grows up thinking he’s Italian, then learns he’s African American at a family reunion.

“Man Push Cart”: Poignant drama about a Pakistani rock singer who comes to New York with his young son to pursue his dreams and ends up selling coffee and donuts from a push cart.

“MGM Classic Musicals Collection”: “Chitty Chitty Bang Bang”; “Fiddler on the Roof”; “A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Forum”; “Guys and Dolls”; “How to Succeed in Business Without Really Trying.”

“MGM Holiday Classic Collection”: “The Bishop’s Wife”; “March of the Wooden Soldiers”; “Pocketful of Miracles.”

“The Panama Deception”: Oscar-winning documentary about the U.S. military in Latin America, with a focus on the 1989 U.S. invasion on Panama.

“Protecting the King”: Elvis’ stepbrother and bodyguard David Stanley wrote and directed this look at the King’s final years through his eyes; Matt Barr, Peter Dobson and Tom Sizemore star.

“The Reef”: Colorful animated comedy about an orphaned guppy forced to relocate to a reef where he falls for a pink fish and tries to chase off a shark; voices by Freddie Prinze Jr., Rob Schneider, Evan Rachel Wood.

“Son of the Dragon”: Martial arts/adventure about a thief who courts the governor’s daughter to steal the royal jewels; with John Reardon and David Carradine.

“Veggietales: The Wonderful Wizard of Ha’s”: “The Wizard of Oz” as an animated parable with singing vegetables.

“Wrong Turn 2: Dead End Unrated Edition”: Contestants on a “Survivor”-like show set in the West Virginia woods are stalked by mutant, inbred cannibals (the best kind).

DVD on TV
“Agatha Christie’s Marple, Series 3”; “Ben 10: Season 2”; “CSI: NY: The Third Season”; “Everybody Hates Chris: The Second Season”; “Family Ties: The Second Season”; “Girlfriends: The Second Season”; “Hitler: The Rise of Evil”; “Meerkat Manor”; “Robin of Sherwood, Set 2”; “Roots: The Complete Collection”; “Roots: The Next Generations.”

Coming attractions:
Oct. 19: “A Mighty Heart,” “The Hoax”
Oct. 26: “Meet the Robinsons,” “Saw III”

Timing is everything.

Timed to coincide with Halloween, studios are releasing a host of horror and fantasy films on DVD, but the goosebump quantity and quality vary greatly.

In fact, with only a few exceptions, the spookiest thing about “1408,” John Cusack’s haunted-hotel-room thriller, is its lack of thrills.

Based on a Stephen King story, this exercise in masochism _ for Cusack’s character as well as for audiences _ doles out the largest assortment of faux-scary scenarios since “Dark Water.” Figure on two good scares, one twist, a satisfying ending _ and a lot of humdrum.

A psychological mess since the death of a family member, Cusack debunks tales of hauntings, then writes books about them. When hotel manager Samuel L. Jackson tries to dissuade him from spending the night in room 1408 _ which, Jackson says, has claimed 56 victims since the ’30s _ Cusack figures, yeah, sure, takes his tape recorder and soon regrets his cockiness.

Like King’s “The Dark Half,” “1408″ can be viewed as a straight horror story, a psychological thriller or a study of madness. I viewed it as a grating, overlong film filled packed with familiar devices _ blood drips through wall cracks, although here it resembles grape juice.

Extras: On the standard edition _ a trailer, a Cusack short that’s a glorified trailer, and an “Inside Room 1408″ short that’s pretty much the same but includes peeks at how some effects were created. On the two-disc edition _ the same, plus deleted scenes, commentary by the director and writers and a behind-the-scenes featurette.

Not so `Fantastic’
Though light on charisma, “The Fantastic Four” provided adequate escapism for fans of the Marvel Comics series. “Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer,” out this week, contains more personality, more shots of Jessica Alba looking and acting sexy _ the highlight _ and a more-dumbed-down story.

Writers infuse the sequel with a commentary on celebrity obsession by having the media and public focus more on elastic Reed’s (Ioan Gruffudd) pending nuptials to Invisible Girl Sue (Alba) than on the pending end of the world _ and it plays like a kid-oriented comic book.

The remainder of the story deals with the resurrection of Dr. Doom (Julian McMahon) and the arrival of the Silver Surfer (think of the silver robot in “Terminator 2” but with less personality) to destroy Earth.

Extras: Two commentaries on the single disc; on the two-disc set, the same plus making-of and origins documentaries (including the comic beginnings of the Silver Surfer as a more complex, alien surfer dude), extended and deleted scenes, music, concept art.

And speaking of horror
One of the best Stephen King adaptations, “Misery” added “I’m your biggest fan” to the horror lexicon. “Misery: Collector’s Edition” reintroduces pop-novelist James Caan and nurse Kathy Bates, the good Samaritan/crackpot who keeps Caan captive as she tends to his injuries from a car accident _ and adds to his pain.

Bates, well-deserving of her best-actress Oscar for this performance, is still more frightening than anyone or anything else in the other films out this week on disc. Another plus is Caan, who turns in one of his best portrayals as the writer in jeopardy.

“Misery” and “1408″ only confirm: The scariest place in the world is the inside of King’s mind.

Five new featurettes of minor interest; a repeat of the 2003 commentary by director Rob Reiner and writer William Goldman _ who suggested Bates’ casting.

And speaking of aliens
The original “Species” _ new this week in a two-disc collector’s edition _ is a solid, albeit gory, slice of sci-fi horror about a bland, babe-a-licious blonde (Natasha Henstridge) who transforms into a slick, scaly alien with tentacles out to mate and slaughter (when disappointed), and the scientists who try to stop her. Three generations later, “Species IV: The Awakening,” also out this week, stars Swedish actress Helena Mattsson as another blond beauty, this time with a genius I.Q. but without the awareness that she’s been spliced together from alien and human DNA _ until she starts to get sick and kill. Her “uncle” (stern Ben Cross) takes her to Mexico for the cure _ by the scientist who helped him create her. And similarity to “Frankenstein” is purely intentional. Bottom line: The sequel is slow-moving, dull and written by people who didn’t care. Extras: None.

Also on DVD:
“Chicken Soup: Conversations for the Golfer’s Soul”: Reflections on family, work and the game by Arnold Palmer, Nancy Lopez, Jack Nicklaus and others.
“Day Night Day Night”: Teenage girl prepares for suicide-bombing mission in Times Square.
“Flight of the Living Dead”: Zombies on a plane.
“Funny Face: 50th Anniversary Edition”: Restored version of the elegant musical with Fred Astaire as a fashion photographer who turns bookstore clerk Audrey Hepburn into a top model; with new shorts about Paris in the ’50s and the collaboration between designer Hubert de Givenchy and Hepburn, his muse.
“Jindabyne”: Intriguing drama about four male friends who ignore the body they find floating in the water to keep fishing another day; with Gabriel Byrne and Laura Linney.
“Jonathan Livingston Seagull”: Live-action seagull learns the meaning of life from other seagulls; based on the Richard Bach mega-seller.
“The Jungle Book 2-Disc Platinum Edition”: Animated Mowgli hangs with good animals, deals with bad; the animals sing; good fun.
“Plagues and Pleasures on the Salton Sea”: Engaging, offbeat documentary about the history and denizens of the former “California Riviera,” narrated by John Waters.
“Sun Dogs”: Stray dogs are trained for Jamaica’s first dog-sled racing team.

DVD on TV
“BBC Atlas of the Natural World: Africa and Europe”; “Criminal Minds: The Second Season”; “Glen Campbell Goodtime Hour”; “I Love New York _ The Complete Unrated First Season”; “Jericho: The First Season”; “Little People, Big World”; “The Sarah Silverman Program”; “Shark, Season One”; “The War.”

Coming attractions
Oct. 9: “28 Weeks Later,” “Black Sheep”
Oct. 16: “Planet Terror” (the zombie half of “Grindhouse”)

I once wrote that “Unforgiven,” the Western that earned Clint Eastwood an Oscar, moved slower than evolution.

“The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford” could give it a walk for its money.

Unlike “Unforgiven,” you know what happens, barring a coda or two, so the suspense is minimal.

The title characters are the focus throughout. And Brad Pitt, as Jesse, and Casey Affleck as the coward Robert Ford are so good that, along with a couple of well-etched secondary characters, they make up for the story’s sloth.

Affleck’s Ford, who yearns for the kind of fame, and the attention that comes with, that Jesse has is the definitive punk - he kisses up, inflates his value to people who don’t know better, or who he thinks don’t know better; and in his mind he schemes forever on how to get his slice of the Hilton-Spears-Lohan-James pie.

He’s transparent as glass; even Jesse recognizes Ford’s a fool who wants something from the legendary outlaw - to emulate him or to be him, James says to his killer-to-be, who doesn’t respond.

It’s like a double game of cat-and-mouse. Ford knows what he wants but can’t seem to get it. And Jesse, volatile, shrewd, intimidating, introspective - well, it’s hard to know exactly what he wants.

Pitt is so good, you’re never exactly sure where he stands but there’s no doubt he can see through the B.S. in everyone, especially when he hears a rumor of some of his gang considering capturing or killing him for the reward.

He may have a death wish. He may just be wear.

Outlaws are dying breed in the 1880s, when the story takes place. The joy and excitement seem gone, his original gang members are dead, except for his brother Frank, who’s bailed on him and no longer talks to him.

The drama, in other words, comes from the conflicts within and between the characters, gradually building to the murder; you watch the two men and you sense the tension; you feel it and it draws you into the story despite its oft-inert pace.

At 2 hours, 40 minutes, the movie requires patience; at times, especially in the early going, it’s unclear exactly who’s doing what; there are too many characters and getting to know them is a slow process.

Which may be the director’s intention; that’s the way it happens in the book the movie’s based on, and why there’s a narration to bridge what would other wise be huge gaps.

I never finished the book, of the same name; from what I read it seems a matter-of-fact telling of the story with little embellishment and arranged in a kind of fragmented or snapshot type of narrative - which the picture emulates.

I was surprised to find the film so compelling given its awkward, interminably slow start, and lack of action - except for snippets here and there.

You’ve got to have patience to stay with it. Otherwise, you’ll be bored silly.

“Silverado” has the ideal pace for a Western - brisk - as well as a host of charismatic characters, each fleshed out more than usual for a picture of this ilk. It’s also a well-told story with humor, suspense, strong set pieces and exciting gunfights.

If I were in the mood for a shot of the Old West, as opposed to the Slow West, I wouldn’t hesitate to rent the latter.

If I wanted a slow meditation on the Western myth, deconstruction of same, and celebrity, I’d opt for “The Assassination of Jesse James etc.”