I am definitely going in circles. Just when I think I’ve got a new pattern, a new level of success, it blows up or flops and I lose confidence. I end up going back to being a screeching, nasty, frustrated, rapid-fire Open Court sheep. I feel like I’m swimming in a whirlpool, around and around and around again, with a distinct sinking sensation.

But we’re not at the bottom yet and I’m going to do my best to swim toward the sun.

My partner is a veteran teacher, a product of Teach for America, and a believer in progressive, culturally responsive, high-standards teaching and learning. I sat down with him this weekend to get some help making sense of my Open Court routines. After five minutes of explaining to him what I do each day and how it’s so different from day to day, he told me to stop and close my book. He dismantled the various parts of the Open Court routine and developed a routine that is predictable and manageable. And also managed to build back my confidence.

I’m going to transition to doing more in small groups so that I can be more focused and targeted with the kids’ needs. I’m going to try to stop doing so much teacher-centered, whole-group stuff because the kids don’t benefit from it, and I feel like a big meanie. I actually told my kids a week ago that I feel like I’m playing Whack-a-Mole during whole-group instruction because I’m constantly asking them to sit down, criss-cross, hands in their laps, lips zipped, eyes on me. (For those of you outside the sphere of children’s games, Whack-a-Mole is a game where each player gets a mallet and they have to whack little moles on the head when they pop out of their holes.) I’m going to stick to the same schedule every day with the hopes that the kids will finally stop guessing at what’s coming next so we can all focus on the little steps that build to big success.

A week into the new routine and I already notice a huge difference. I’ve devoted clear-cut and substantial time to writing and I already see that they are writing more interesting and richer texts. I’ve devoted a short time to teaching grammar and mechanics with a clear expectation of the evidence they must produce to show they “get it,” which is uplifting for them and actually giving them the time they need to think and try it on their own. I have high hopes that this will pull me out of the whirlpool.