Joke of the day: New element ‘Governmentium’ discovered?

Lawrence Livermore Laboratories has discovered the heaviest element yet known to science.(Note to readers: This is a joke.)

The new element, Governmentium(Gv), has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons, and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.

These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons. Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert; however, it can be detected, because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact.

A tiny amount of Governmentium can cause a reaction that would normally take less than a second, to take from four days to four years to complete.

Governmentium has a normal half-life of 2- 6 years; It does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places.

In fact, Governmentium’s mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganization will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes. This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a critical concentration.

This hypothetical quantity is referred to as critical morass. When catalyzed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium, an element that radiates just as much energy as Governmentium since it has half as many peons but twice as many morons.

Lisa Vorderbrueggen

  • BGR

    This is not a joke. It is a scientific fact. Also, some argue that the data strongly suggest that the half-life of Gv may be infinite given the amount of lethal pension radioactivity that emantes from the neutrons and morons which destroys peons’ ability to thrive.

  • John W

    BGR beat me to the punch. I was thinking the same thing — that there needed to be something about pensions and OPEB in here — especially after reading Dan Borenstein’s Sunday column about the Orinda/Moraga fire chief.

    You have to admit that this discovery does, once and for all, discredit the notion of “intelligent design” as a viable alternative to Darwin.

  • Arne Simonsen

    Yep, it is a scientific fact (at least according to Comedy Central)! And since it was discovered at the Lawrence Livermore Labs, we can only hope that it is an unstable element (but sadly it seems to be lasting longer than the other elements on the chart!).

  • Edi Birsan

    Rather clever and somewhat incomplete, as this element was indicated as in the Heavy Metal area when in fact we all know that it is a rather odious gaseous element in a compound of held together by the bloody String Theory also known as Red Tape.

  • SC007

    This is a fact. I wish I could buzz this up. I’ve thought for years of writing about the hideous waste of 90% of government workers, 50% of who are illiterate.