This is how I imagine the Republican National Committee would do a research briefing on President Obama’s ceremonial pardoning of a turkey for Thanksgiving:
OBAMA TODAY PARDONED A HARDENED CRIMINAL AND UNREPENTANT DRUG DEALER
Obama for years has positioned himself as “tough on crime:”
Candidate Barack Obama: “The fact is I’ve passed 150 pieces of legislation that toughened penalties for violent criminals, everything from sex offenders to domestic abusers to gang bangers. So there’s only one candidate who’s ever dealt with hardened criminals on this stage and that’s me. The other guy only talks about it and I think that’s something voters will be focused on in this election.” (Illinois U.S. Senate Debate, 10/21/04)
But today he went back on his word, issuing a pardon to the notorious Liberty M. Gallopavo of Willmar, Minn.
This miscreant has been pumped up on artificial hormones for much of his life, making him a muscle-bound menace (just look at those pecs!). His primitive brain forced him to live mainly on instinct and he soon proved himself a glutton, eating whatever he could swallow.
As he got older, he became more aggressive, often fighting with his neighbors for status and dominance; afterward he would strut away, stamping his feet, his chest thrown out, his beady little black eyes looking straight ahead. Liberty also proved to be very promiscuous, fathering and then abandoning many little ones who then went on the public dole.
Worst of all, Liberty is an unrepentant drug dealer, with a history of doping up unsuspecting families – and their innocent children! – with massive doses of L-Tryptophan. This insidious drug leaves people logy, nodding and dozing on their couches like old-time opium addicts, their eyes vacantly staring at a football game but not really seeing it.
President Barack Obama: “So Liberty is ready for his turn in the spotlight. And after he finishes a round of cable hits and a few Sunday shows, he’s going to retire to a life of leisure at Mount Vernon — the same place where George Washington spent his golden years.” (Remarks, White House North Portico, 11/23/11)
Is Liberty the kind of hardened criminal our president should be pardoning? Does Liberty to deserve this cushy life of pastoral pleasure, sullying the hallowed ground of one of our nation’s most beloved Founding Fathers? Is this the hope and change all of Liberty’s immoral brethren can expect?
If you believe Liberty shouldn’t have had his death sentence commuted, please click here to donate to the RNC and help ensure that his kind will fry for their crimes. Or roast, at least.