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Protesters to protest the protests sans the hoosegow

Ms. Brooke Boering of Santa Cruz wrote me a very funny response to my story about an April 15 anti-tax protest scheduled for Pleasanton. She calls herself a member of the Old Foggies of Santa Cruz:

We will have signs saying “No More Protests!” and make sure we’re heard.

We’ll include a bullhorn march: “What’d we Want?”   and “Peace and Quiet”, three times increasing in volume each time, of course.

We will have a street chant that goes …

ONE – TWO – THREE – FOUR
What the Hell are WE here FOR??
FIVE – SIX – SEVEN – EIGHT
We’re too old to for-ni-cate!

Well, that is, IF we can get a permit since we wouldn’t want to end up in the hoosegow at the age of 80, you know.

Posted on Thursday, April 9th, 2009
Under: Email of the Day | No Comments »

Joke of the day: How journalists see things

A Bay Point reader sent this over with assurances that it did not apply to me and I’ll just have to take his word for it!

How journalists see things

A biker is riding by the zoo, when he sees a little girl leaning into the lion’s cage. Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the cuff of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to slaughter her, under the eyes of her screaming parents. The biker jumps off his bike, runs to the cage and hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch.

Whimpering from the pain the lion jumps back, let ting go of the girl. The biker brings her to her terrified parents, who thank him endlessly.

A reporter has seen the whole scene, and addressing the biker, says – “Sir, this was the most gallant and brave thing I saw a man do in my whole life.”

“It was nothing, really, the lion was behind bars. I just saw this little kid in danger, and SOMEBODY had to save her.”

“Well, I’ll make sure this won’t go unnoticed. I’m a journalist, you know”, the reporter said, “and tomorrow’s papers will have this on the first page. What motorcycle do you drive?”

“A Harley Davidson.”

The journalist leaves.

The following morning the biker buys the paper to see if it indeed brings news of his actions, and reads, on first page:

BIKER GANG MEMBER ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT AND STEALS HIS LUNCH

Posted on Tuesday, March 4th, 2008
Under: Email of the Day | No Comments »

Politically incorrect camping commentary

This is a bit off-subject for a politics blog. But it’s such a great rant that I couldn’t resist.

This reader responded via email to a story I co-wrote for Sunday’s paper with Denis Cuff about growing incivility in campgrounds. I camp quite a bit and after several unhappy experiences, I decided to find out if other folks found themselves in similar circumstances. And yep, I’m not alone in my frustration.

I’ve edited the content somewhat for language, punctuation and clarity, but here’s what the reader had to say:

Good article. And I thank you for it.

I wish you had told people to just simply stay home if they don’t know what they are doing.

And you forgot to tell people that going into nature in an SUV is like going into church with a Penthouse in one hand, a bottle of tequila in the other and (wearing) crotchless pants.

Oh and you forgot to tell people that when they are out for a hike and there are no toilets around, they should NOT (urinate) on the trails, but need to walk a ways into the woods and find a spot.

Twice a year, I go camping.

I try to get an environmental spot, if I can. But if I have to camp amongst Joe BigMac then I do.

At Pfieffer – Big Sur last month, had to camp with a horde of Joe Bigmacs.

On day two, some nut job arrives in a huge RV. She blasted “The End” by The Doors over and over and over. It’s like that was the point of her camping trip, to listen to the same song on a loop.

In the morning, it wasn’t an issue. I wake up before most and head out. In the late afternoon, when I came back to resupply and take a breather, it wasn’t that big of a deal (but slightly obnoxious.)

The evening was quiet. But at 10:30ish-pm, “THIS IS THE END … ”

I stormed over and blinded her with my flashlight so she couldn’t see through my ruse. I pretended to be “The Man,” a park ranger, and gave her two options: Turn it @#$% off or @#$% leave!

She turned it off.

And she was quiet the next day.

The spigot, yep, used to wash dishes. The thing is, is once one person does it, everyone decides “Why not?” The mosquitos were pleased as punch.

Hip, young 22-year-old, trying to wow his chick with his nature skills so he could get some action. He left his food out all night. At 3:30 a.m., the animals had a PARTY! The raucus, the noise, the all-you-can-eat buffet!

That evening, Mr. Suave treated his honey to a fire, made up of treated and painted wood (big no-no) with flames that kissed the trees and kissed the two large cans of lighter fluid they had sitting out. (What kind of moron needs lighter fluid to start a fire? Who needs two cans?)

Realizing they could easily burn down the site and die, they decided to calm the fire down a tad.

Speaking of flame, it never fails, everytime I go camping, I come across an abondoned fire.

The kids, oh the kids, love their bikes. My campsite made an excellent bike path. Heck, even adults decided to waltz on through. I should have offered guided tours: Here’s my tent circa 1988; here’s my post-modern,
crimson folding chair with cup holder; and this lovely thing is my jumbo thermos for fire dousing.

I’ll keep this year’s Sequoia stories to myself. They’re basically similar.

Except one: A group of nerds who have never been camping before in their lives, never touched a tent before in their lives (trust me, it was obvious) brought along a blue laser.

But it wasn’t enough to aim it at the stars like it’s supposed to be used for. They started firing into people’s campsites and almost got my eye. Blue lasers can do severe eye damage. They make regular laser pointers seem like a harmless Christmas light.

Some glorious day (hopefully soon) Nintendo will come out with a camping video game, and Joe BigMacs and nerds will just stay put and “live” the experience at home.

P.S. Oh and you forgot to say that anyone who needs an air mattress is a sissy.

Posted on Monday, July 10th, 2006
Under: Email of the Day | No Comments »

What do you call an Assemblyman?

An inquisitive reader sent this email: ” ‘Will we finally get to call him ‘Ass. DeSaulnier?’ ‘The Honorable Ass. DeSaulnier?’ Hey, I like the guy, just wondering …”

He refers, of course, to Mark DeSaulnier, a Contra Costa County supervisor who won the Democratic primary in June for Assembly District 11 against three challengers, including Pittsburg School Board Trustee Laura Canciamilla. (Yes, she’s the wife of the termed-out incumbent, Assemblyman Joe Canciamilla of Pittsburg.)

The answer, however, will depend on the outcome of the Nov. 7 general election. It’s a heavily Democratic district but DeSaulnier does have a Republican opponent, Antioch Councilman Arne Simonsen. Libertarian Cory Nott is also on the ballot.

But even if DeSaulnier wins, you won’t find the above abbreviation in your newspaper: We have a list of approved truncations and this isn’t on it. While we write, “Sen. So and So” or “Rep. So and So,” we never write, “Ass. So and So,” for obvious reasons!

Posted on Tuesday, June 27th, 2006
Under: Email of the Day | 1 Comment »