A colleague of mine scoured the central Contra Costa Halloween costume stores this week and could not (insert gasp here) find a Richard Nixon mask.

This is not right. We can’t have Halloween without bands of trick-or-treaters roaming the suburbs wearing Tricky Dick masks.

Instead, Times photographer Karl Mondon found this Veep Dick Cheney mask, which doesn’t even look that much like Dick Cheney. (Bernie Madoff, maybe? Or Rush Limbaugh?)

At least it was cheap: On sale for $7.97.

The Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton masks cost $19.99 each, a tad pricey for a prop. At $29.99, the Sarah Palin mask was way too dear for the paper’s paltry illustration budget.

What about George W. Bush? No mask of him either.

But there’s a big shipment coming next week to the Halloween Spirit stores. All is not lost just yet.

Turkeys have invaded the Shadelands business park in Walnut Creek where the Contra Costa Times’ offices are located. Times columnist Gary Bogue tells me a flock of six turkeys has been hanging out in the neighborhood for a few months.

Hmmm. Is this where out-of-work-reporters go?

A turkey feeds in an open lot across the street from the Contra Costa Times offices in Walnut Creek. No word on whether he has applied for a job in the newsroom or not. Photo by Lisa Vorderbrueggen/Contra Costa Times

Where can I buy a can of this?

"The Barack & Michell Obama Paper Doll & Cut-out Book" by John Boswell, Randy Jones and Susann Ferris Jones

People send all kinds of stuff to the newsroom and every once in a while, something fun shows up on my desk.

In June, St. Martin’s Press will release its Barack and Michelle Obama paper doll and cut-out book by John Boswell and illustrated by Randy Jones and Susann Ferris Jones.

Dress up your very own buff Obama and a shapely Michelle in their election night attire, inaugural clothes,  Kenyan costumes or their vacation in Hawaii with mix-and-match accessories.

I have my First Pair sitting on my desk right now (see picture below) wearing their “First Day on the Job” outfits, complete with the president’s Blackberry. (Inexplicably, the authors didn’t give the president a cigarette to hold because, really, he should quit.)

Boswell has collaborated on books such the New York Times bestseller “French for Cats” and produced the “First Family Paper Doll and Cut-out Book.” Jones’ work has appeared in the New York Times and the National Lampoon and Ferris-Jones’ work was featured in “The Cat’s Night Before Christmas” and “French Cats Don’t Get Fat.”

The First Pair on Lisa V's desk wearing their "First Day On The Job" attitire

Lawrence Livermore Laboratories has discovered the heaviest element yet known to science.(Note to readers: This is a joke.)

The new element, Governmentium(Gv), has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons, and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.

These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons. Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert; however, it can be detected, because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact.

A tiny amount of Governmentium can cause a reaction that would normally take less than a second, to take from four days to four years to complete.

Governmentium has a normal half-life of 2- 6 years; It does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places.

In fact, Governmentium’s mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganization will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes. This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a critical concentration.

This hypothetical quantity is referred to as critical morass. When catalyzed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium, an element that radiates just as much energy as Governmentium since it has half as many peons but twice as many morons.

If you do, the California First Amendment Coalition has a (tongue-in-cheek) deal for you. Read on.

Psst: Wanna buy Barack Obama’s new email address?

By Peter Scheer

What would you pay to have President Obama’s new private (and secure) email address?

Two weeks ago I wrote in this space about efforts by Barack Obama’s aides to get him to surrender his Blackberry, on which Obama had relied to escape the bubble that descends on leading presidential contenders, not to mention elected presidents. I argued that the aides’ concerns about legal and security constraints were overblown and urged Obama to keep the Blackberry—and to use it, while President, to stay in touch with ordinary citizens.

I am not at liberty to reveal how I know that President Obama read my article, which was reprinted in several publications.  Suffice it to say that I am now in possession of the Chief Executive’s new, private email address, the one reserved for family members and close personal friends. (Two additional email addresses have been created for use by, respectively, Cabinet level officials and campaign supporters who contributed $200,000 and above.)

Ordinarily, I wouldn’t betray a confidence, especially a presidential confidence. But these are, as we know, “challenging” times, not least for the California First Amendment Coalition (”CFAC”), a cash-strapped nonprofit working overtime to defend freedom of speech and the public’s right to know about its government.  Besides, President Obama is a big proponent of open government, as shown by his recent pronunciamento on the Freedom of Information Act.  He will, I’m sure, understand that extreme measures in the defense of government accountability are no vice (to paraphrase a rather less successful presidential candidate).

Accordingly, I have decided to divulge Obama’s private friends-and-family email address, the one that reaches him on his belt-mounted Blackberry, to …(click here to go to First Amendment site.)

This humorous political photo has been making the rounds on the Internet:

A colleague sent this link to me and it is one of the funniest bits of political TV humor I have seen this campaign season.

Watch Triumph the Insult Comic Dog, a cigar-smoking puppet at the Republican National Convention who nipped just about everybody including Karl Rove. My favorite line is when Triumph expresses admiration that newcaster Wolf Blitzer kept his “porn name.”

Be forewarned: It’s a bit raunchy and not appropriate for young children.

Click here to go to Laughing Squid and see links to both of Triumph’s reports from the RNC.

A reader sent this very funny, nonpartisan joke:

While walking down the street one day a US senator is
tragically hit by a truck and dies.

His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.

‘Welcome to heaven,’ says St. Peter. ‘Before you settle in, it
seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around
these parts, you see, so we’re not sure what to do with you.’

‘No problem, just let me in,’ says the man.

‘Well, I’d like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we’ll
do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then
you can choose where to spend eternity.’

‘Really, I’ve made up my mind. I want to be in heaven,’ says the
senator.

‘I’m sorry, but we have our rules.’

And with that, St.. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes
down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself
in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a
clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other
politicians who had worked with him.

Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to
greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had
while getting rich at the expense of the people.

They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar
and champagne.

Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who
has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a
good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go.

Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator
rises…
The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven
where St. Peter is waiting for him.

‘Now it’s time to visit heaven.’

So, 24 hours pass with the senator joining a group of contented souls
moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing.
They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have
gone by and St. Peter returns.

‘Well, then, you’ve spent a day in hell and  another in heaven. Now
choose your eternity.’

The senator reflects for a minute, then he answers: ’Well, I would
never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but
I think I would be better off in hell.’

So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down,
down, down to hell.

Now the doors of the elevator open and he’s in the middle of a
barren land covered with waste and garbage.

He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and
putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above.

The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder.
‘I don’t understand,’ stammers the senator. ’Yesterday I was
here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate
lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time.
Now there’s just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends
look miserable. What happened?’

The devil looks at him, smiles and says, ‘Yesterday we were campaigning..

Today you voted.

WWW.Practicesafepolicy.com introduces its Sarah Palin condom

Capitalism and elections go together like, well, sex and birth control.

A New York company that calls itself Practice Safe Policy has added a new product to its political line, the hockey-mom-approved Sarah Palin condom. You can also buy Obama and McCain versions. Buy a collector pack of all three for only $12.95. (This is definitely cheaper than actual children.)

I don’t know. Call me a hopeless romantic but the presidential and vice presidential wrestling match over healthcare plans, federal bailouts and the war on terror doesn’t exactly make me want to call up my husband and schedule a wine-candlelight-roses rendezvous.

Nonetheless, if campaigning floats your boat, read more for the press release from the company. Read the rest of this entry »