Much as I esteem the Contra Costa Times, navigating the website is not my favorite thing about it. I’m posting recent reviews here to make them a little easier to find, starting with my pan of “Beowulf.”
UPDATE: The webmaster tells me we AREN’T that dainty on site. Here’s my original description of Angelina Jolie’s privates, which was edited in the newspaper because it was considered too evocative. What do you think, is that line too offensive to read over breakfast?

Having reached these heights, Zemeckis tops himself by bringing Beowulf into the lair of Grendel’s over-protective mother (Angelina Jolie). Monster Mom also prefers to wage battle naked. She’s buxom and so carefully buffed that her Mound of Venus has, just like Barbie’s, no Central Valley. (Wouldn’t you expect someone as politically correct as Jolie to have told Zemeckis, ‘If you want my boobies, the rest of me better be anatomically correct’”?)

If they gave out Oscars for best speaking voice, Javier Bardem might win it every year. In “Love in the Time of Cholera,” he makes it sound like a whisper, but it’s still completely audible. I won’t even get into how much it seems like a caress, because apparently, that’s Penelope Cruz’ business now (lucky, lucky woman). Here’s my full review of “Love in the Time of Cholera,” which isn’t as good as the book, but still makes for a fun eveningl.