Does Locke see the light?

Oh, this was one of those episodes where your brain curls up into the fetal position and screams for mercy.

Aaaaaaaagh!

Plenty of Locke flashbacks. A bloody mutiny on the freighter. And a little visit to a cabin in the woods, where we find … not spooky Jacob, but Christian Shepard … and Claire?

“Destiny, John, is a fickle bitch,” Ben tells Locke at one point. Boy, is it ever.

We’ve known from early on in this whacked-out series that the island has some kind of hold on Locke, the so-called man of destiny. Tonight we found out that it wanted him long before Oceanic Flight 815 crashed on its shores. The flashbacks go all the way back to Locke’s premature (and out-of-wedlock) birth.  And we learn that Richard Alpert, the Other who never ages, visted Locke several times during his early years, checking up on this obviously “special” boy.

And then, years later, when Locke is in his wheelchair, he is visted by another semi-familiar person: the creepy bald guy from “The Wire” who hired Naomi for the freighter trip. He encourages Locke to go on the walkabout that delivered him to Australia and put him on that fateful plane flight.

Now jump ahead to current (?) island time. Ben realizes that his reign as mystical leader is at an end and that it’s Locke’s turn to be The Man. And so after finding a map to Jacob’s cabin inside the shirt pocket of a dead Dharma guy, Ben retreats into the background with a chocolate bar-munching Hurley while Locke enters the dwelling alone.

There he finds Christian and a childless Claire just kicking back as if that wasn’t weird at all. (Claire to Locke: “Don’t worry, I’m fine.”). And after a brief pow-wow, Locke emerges from the cabin with his marching orders in hand.

“He wants us to move the island,” he says.

Huh? Wha?

Enough of this. Onto our thoughts and questions:

– Locke’s art as a child was certainly intriguing. Wasn’t that Smokey the Monster wreaking havoc on a stick figure?

– What is Claire doing in the cabin? Do you think that’s where she’ll remain whe Kate leaves the island with Aaron?

– More tricks with time. Didn’t we witness the doctor’s body wash up on shore two weeks ago? Tonight, we see him briefly alive on the freighter — until his throat gets slashed by the ruthless Keamy. (Who also kills the Captain).

– Why is Christian sitting in for Jacob? What’s the connection?

 – How the heck can they move the island? 

When you go mainstream, might as well go all the way.

Rapper Snoop Dogg, who in recent years has been moving farther away from a “thug” image,  makes his soap opera debut today and Friday on “One Life to Live.”

That’s right. Snoop on a soap. Wonder how that affects your street cred?

According to Greg Braxton of the LA Times, the “Doggfather,” whose raps have celebrated gangs and violence, is playing himself and makes a surprise appearance at a bachelorette party for Adriana (Melissa Fumero).  In addition to performing “Sensual Seduction” and “Life of Da Party” from his latest album “Ego Trippin!”, he’ll be interacting with various characters. He joins Mary J. Blige, Celine Dion, Timbaland, Nelly Furtado as other superstars who have promoted their music on soaps.

It’s not the first time Snoop Dogg has displayed his acting chops, writes Braxton.  He’s appeared in films such as “Baby Boy,” “Training Day” and “Starsky & Hutch.” In promotional materials for the series, Snoop, who has most recently appeared in his own reality show “Fatherhood” on E!, proclaims that he has been a fan of “One Life to Live” ever since he was a baby: “My momma always had it on the tube in the crib growing up.”

He’s even putting his own flavor on the soap’s theme song. For the two episodes, Snoop will re-record the “One Life to Live” theme in his own Snoopy style.

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Neil Patrick Harris and Britney Spears: They made us do this.

Some news & notes from Planet TV, where bad girls rebuild their careers in sitcoms:

– We’ve already reported that Britney Spears is returning to “How I Met Your Mother” on May 12. You might be interested to know that Lindsay Lohan will guest star in the season finale of “Ugly Betty” on May 22. Hollywood’s new mantra: After rehab, just pass “go” and head straight for a network comedy.

– In the “HIMYM” episode, Barney (Neil Patrick Harris) and Abby (Britney) realize that they have one thing in common - their mutual hatred of Ted. So they go to the bar to flaunt their new relationship in Ted’s face. Desperate to get a rise out of his former pal, Barney pops a surprising question to Abby. … An interesting pairing here, since it was Harris who originally criticized the hiring of Britney, but then retracted his statement.

– Get set for more Lauren and Heidi. MTV has renewed “The Hills” for another 19-episode season, which will launch in August. Meanwhile, the current season concludes next Monday.

– A sign that good TV isn’t dead (only on HBO). AMC has renewed the Bryan Cranston drama “Breaking Bad” for a second season. No word, though, on when new episodes will debut.

– “Monk” and “Psych” may be hits on cable, but they haven’t gone over big in Sunday-night airings on NBC, The network has dropped both shows from its schedule. Which has us wondering: Do we have a case of a cable show making the jump to broadcast and thriving? “Dexter” hasn’t exactly caught fire on CBS.

– Oh, someone should have destroyed the film. Ratings for “Hannah Montana” have declined since those controversial shots of Miley Cyrus appeared in Vanity Fair.

– There will be no more sex talk for Sue Johanson. After a six-year run on Oxygen, the elderly Canadian is pulling the plug on her advice show, “Talk Sex With Sue Johanson.” She’ll take her last call on Sunday.

– Next week brings broadcast television’s annual upfront sessions, during which networks announce their fall schedules. Up first is ABC. We’ll have the complete rundown here each day in TV Freak-ville.

Lindsay Lohan gets “Ugly.”

There was no shocker tonight. “American Idol” voters did the right and honorable thing by dumping the Dreadlocked Wonder, Jason Castro.

Unfortunately, before getting to that bit of news, viewers had to sitt through a bloated hour padded with whimpy rock from Maroon 5, a forgettable performance by Bo Bice and a Ford commercial that had the “Idol” finalists looking utterly ridiculous in bull-fighter’s duds.

As members of our Judging Panel have pointed out, Jason seemed to grow more and more clueless in recent weeks. On Tuesday, he stunk up the joint with a wince-inducing version of “I Shot the Sheriff” and then butchered some lyrics on “Mr. Tambourine Man.” His whole persona seemed to be captured during the Q&A portion of tonight’s show when he responsed to the query, “What’s the biggest thing you’ve had to overcome?” by saying: “The brain being dead.”

So now we’re down to a final three of David Archuleta, David Cook and Syesha Mercado. The latter will most likely need a spectacular performance next week to keep it from being an all-David finale.

Someone won’t be smiling Wednesday night.

If there was ever a clear-cut candidate to send home, it’s Jason Castro. Lord, Mr. Dreadlocks was dreadful, butchering songs by Bob Marley and Bob Dylan — even forgetting some words during the latter performance. But we’ll see what happens on Wednesday. Obviously, we’ve been stunned before. Meanwhile, David Archuleta, a performer maligned by me and some members of our panel, was winning raves for his takes on “Stand By Me” and “Love Me Tender.” Said Simon, “You didn’t beat the competition tonight, you crushed it.” Now we’ll see what our Judging Panel said.

Rob Miller, 46, Oakland
I am utterly perplexed by the judges’ love affair with David Archuleta. I’ve had enough of his schmaltzy, overwrought renditions of songs. His decision to sing “Love Me Tender” was ill-advised. The juxtaposition of this 17-year old kid with Elvis is just… CREEPY. I know, I know, he has a great voice–I’ve said so myself, but he’s just weird now.
– America, this is what you voted for week after week: If Jason Castro isn’t gone after tonight, I give up. If he stays, I would recommend less weed before he goes on stage (that applies both to Jason and whoever is voting for him).
– David Cook nailed both of his songs and is my favorite. I will buy his album.
– I also think Syesha Mercado did very well, but was not in David Cook’s league, and gets no love from America, so she’s always in danger.

Neyshia Go, 17, Antioch
–First and foremost: Jason’s performances made me cringe in fear.
–David Archuleta for SURE stole the show tonight. I was in love with his rendition of “Stand By Me,” and “Love Me Tender,” touched my heart (puke). I don’t want to present a biased opinion but I feel like Syesha sings well but rarely delivers. She reminds me of most “typical,” R&B singer voices and doesn’t seem to separate herself from the pack well. David Cook’s second performance was much better than his first and he displayed his solid rock roots.
– My verdict: Jason’s out, most definitely.

Danny Wallace, 28, Antioch
Well boys and girls, the Castro Ride is finally coming to an end. It was amazing to see the exact second where he leaves the show. You can’t forget the lyrics to “Tambourine Man”, you just can’t. On a lighter note, I see hope that the Davids may lose to (ready Rob) Syesha. This girl is starting to come on strong. The only thing that’s giving me hope is that Jason’s number is busy at times when my wife votes. Keep the fingers crossed.
– Cook didn’t sound that great to me at all, and Archie was annoying and boring as ever. But none of that matters to Randy “Promote!Promote!Promote!” Jackson. He does less and less constructive criticism and more and more promotion for those he likes and blistering hatred for those he doesn’t think will make him money. Enough talk about losing Paula, get rid of Jackson.

Tyler Maddalon, 10, Danville
I thought tonight’s performances were really good. There was a lot of great performances and a lot of great vocalists. As for David Cook I thought it should be right up his alley being rock night and it was. I’m hungry for some more of him. That was a great performance and I finally knew the song he sang which only made me rock out more. For his next song, The Who were a great band and Baba O’Riley was a great song. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: He is the true winner.
– Syesha, though, was a frisky cheetah and a sleeping lion. Her first song was great and being comfortable up there sure made a difference. As for her second song, it lacked excitement and it lacked my attention.
– Jason, Jason, Jason. I feel sorry for the guy after being completely insulted by Simon and embarrassing himself in front of the whole world with his first performance. His second song was a heck of a lot better than the first but it still lacked excellence.
– Finally David A., who was the bomb tonight. Both performances were outstanding. He’s like a firecracker that explodes into good vocals after each performance. The second performance, though, had pretty vocals and was pretty boring. If he’s going to impress this judge he needs to add a hint of excitement to his performances.

Patti Compton, 76, Rossmoor
I think we can all agree that the one who got shot down wasn’t the sheriff. Jason continued on the path of self destruction, not only in his choice of songs but his delivery. He will always be an enigma to me. Where’s he coming from?
– The remaining three are certainly unique. David Archuleta is trying desperately to conform to what he thinks the fans want. But I always feel he’s uncomfortable with the results. I wish I weren’t so darn old so I could be around 20 years from now when he grows into his voice. I bet he will be a knockout!
– David Cook is certainly good at what he does. I just don’t like what he does. He’ll probably end up winning because he appeals to the majority of the audience. He does well in adapting the song to serve him best. And, I guess that’s show biz.
– I am so proud of Syesha and feel she really deserves the title. I agreed with Simon when he said she did a terrible job on “Proud Mary” but her second choice and performance were memorable. She could surprise us all and take the cake!

Maria Sajjad, 22, Concord
–Jason Castro may have “shot the sheriff”; but he also shot away his chances of surviving tomorrow night’s elimination. And, he might as well have shot Simon in the face because Cowell made it obvious that he would have enjoyed that more than Dread-Head’s performances. His vocals were weaker than ever, he had no presence on stage, and his song choices were not as clever as he may have thought. Simon was right; the only thing Jason has in common with Bob Marley are the dreads … and possibly whatever he was smoking when he thought he could take on a Bob Dylan song.
– It is the return of Sly-esha! Not only did she sing “A Change Is Gonna Come” brilliantly, but she also unleashed a few weeks worth of suppressed tears, and made an I-am-a-changed-woman speech at the end of her performance. All this and she still managed to keep every fake eyelash in its place. Even my cold heart shed a tear! Genius, Sly-esha! GENIUS!!!
– I have no words for David Cook. Really…I literally have no words, because he does the same thing every week. But, in his case, that is a good thing. I waited to hear the elongated high note, and he stuck it in right at the end of “Baba O Riley”, which was a relief. I don’t think I’m ready to hear a David Cook song with no long note; it’s just not the same.
– David Archuleta did crush

Richmond takes a no-nonsense approach to the news. (Bob Larson).

Over the past couple of weeks, photographer Bob Larson and I have been making the rounds with KTVU anchorman Dennis Richmond, visiting him at his home in San Ramon and at Channel 2’s Oakland headquarters. It’s all in preparation, of course, for Richmond’s retirement. He’ll end a 40-year career at KTVU on May 21, when he’s scheduled to sign off on his final 10 p.m. newscast.

We won’t be publishing our story on Richmond until just a few days before his retirement, but I thought we’d compile a few blog posts on the big guy to lead up to the milestone, including a few excerpts from our interviews with him and those who know him.

First things first. Peoploe want to know about Richmond’s health. Last fall he underwent neck surgery to repair a damaged disc and early this year he had another operation to deal with early-stage prostate cancer. Richmond, who has repeatedly claimed that health issues are not a factor in his retirement, says he experiences diminished stamina these days (especially on the golf course), but is mostly doing just fine.

“My health is good, if not excellent, considering what I’ve had done,” he says. “I beat the neck injury and I’m 99 percent sure I beat the cancer.”

Richmond, an avid weightlifter for years, still pumps a lot of iron (”I’ll be doing it ’til they hammer the nails in my coffin”), but has to be more careful — “lighter and smarter,” he says.

And one thing is certain: He never ever wants to go under the knife again.

“I’ve had enough,” he says. “No one’s going to cut on me anymore. I can have one of those little alien monsters in my stomach and they’re not going to cut it out.”

For Peter Crooks’ Diablo Magazine Q&A interview with Dennis, click here. You can also see KTVU footage of Dennis recently celebrating his 40th anniversary at the station by clicking here.

Is that a corpse we see on “Two and a Half Men”?

I usually try to avoid the overly crude and not-so-funny “Two and a Half Men.” But I’m a shameless sucker for gimmicks, so I had to tune into last night’s episode, which was penned by writers from “CSI” in a sweeps crossover stunt. (The “Two and a Half Men” writers return the favor on Thursday).

My reaction? I’d give it a C+, maybe a B-.

Of course, there had to be a murder and so we learn that Teddy (Robert Wagner) has been killed on his wedding day — while having sex, no less. The buff and beautiful forensics investigators even find lipstick on his “hu-hu,” a development that allows the writers to giddily wallow in penis jokes (”Who do you suppose was smoking Teddy’s sausage?”). 

That’s about as good as it got in a rather lame and uneven half-hour that also contained references to big boobs, semen splatters and one fart joke. 

The touches of “CSI” included extreme inner close-ups inside the boy’s mouth and throat any time he swallowed something, a very brief cameo by George Eads and the melding of The Who and the “Men” theme song. The latter, according to my TV critic friend Roger Catlin, was “like beer on your cereal.”

Yuck.

We’re still a week away from the upfront presentations — the period when broadcast networks announce their fall schedules — but already some “bubble” shows are falling by the wayside. ABC, for example, has dumped “Men In Trees.”

Which makes us wonder: What kind of oddball stuff will the show’s fans bombard the networks with? Tree twigs? Pine cones? Read the rest of this entry »

Hillary Clinton yucks it up with David Letterman in a recent appearance.

If you own a TV, it’s impossible not to see presidential candidates Brack Obama, Hillary Clinton and John McCain. these days. And we’re not just talking about the regular news shows, campaigns and televised debates.

These three are everywhere. They’re clowning around with Leno and Letterman. They’re talking marital and family relationships with Oprah and Rachel Ray. They’re spoofing themselves on “Saturday Night Live” and “The Colbert Report.” They’re taping messages for “American Idol” and, yes, even WWE wrestling.

Is this made-for-TV campaign driving you crazy? Do you think the candidates are dumbing down the electoral process? Or do you find them much more entertaining than the average prime-time sitcom?

In today’s Times and Tribune, I have a piece on the made-for-TV trend, which has really grown ever since Hillary’s husband blew his sax on “Arsenio” in ‘92. To check it out, click here. And to see Hillary’s Top 10 List, as presented last night on “Letterman,” go here.

OK, help me out here. I’m preparing to write a preview story of the upcoming “Sex and the City” movie and I want to connect with devoted fans of the HBO series.

If you’re someone — woman or man — who has passionately followed the adventures of Carrie, Samantha, Charlotte and Miranda over the years, or know of someone who has, please, please e-mail me at cbarney@bayareanewsgroup.com. I’m mostly interested in fans who live in the Bay Area, but I’ll certainly interview others, as well.

In the meantime, here’s a little something to whet your appetite for the film, which premieres June 30: A story in which director Michael Patrick King addresses rumors about the movie, including speculation that Mr. Big — gulp — dies! For the info, click here.